Okay, Ford’s manual transmission patent for electric vehicles just wrecked my entire week, in the best way possible.
I’m sitting here in my stupidly cold Michigan basement at 2 a.m., wearing socks with sandals because I gave up on life, and I’m scrolling through patent filings like a complete loser when BAM, US20230256832A1 or whatever the hell it’s numbered, Ford wants to put a dang manual gearbox in an EV. Like, not just multi-speed (Toyota’s already doing that boring crap), no no no, they want a full H-pattern shifter, a clutch pedal, and the ability to stall the car if you suck. I actually laughed so loud I woke the dog.
Why Ford’s EV Manual Transmission Patent Has Me Acting Unwise
Look, I sold my fox-body Mustang years ago because kids and mortgages and “responsible adult” nonsense, and I’ve been coping ever since. Driving a Tesla feels like piloting a silent spaceship that happens to go 0-60 in “are you dead yet” seconds, but something’s missing. That something is the soul-crushing embarrassment of stalling at a red light while Karen in her CR-V honks. Ford gets it. They patented a system that literally lets the car cut torque if you mess up the shift. I’m not okay.
Here’s the dumbest part: it’s fake. There’s no mechanical connection. The “clutch” is just a sensor, the “gearbox” is software telling the motors to pretend they have ratios. But I don’t care. I want to row imaginary gears while the battery drains 3% faster because I’m doing 17 fake redline shifts to get onto the freeway. I’m broken.
The Time I Almost Cried in a Mach-E (Yeah, That Happened)
Last month I test-drove a Mustang Mach-E GT. Beautiful car, stupid fast, felt like cheating. I caught myself reaching for a shifter that wasn’t there, like a total moron. The salesman gave me the pity smile. If this patent becomes real, I’ll be the 40-year-old dude in the parking lot pretending to heel-toe while my kids film it for TikTok. I’m already embarrassed for future me and I’m here for it.
Actual Tech Stuff I Pretend to Understand
- Up to 11 “gears” (why stop at 6, go big or go home)
- Simulated stall if you dump the clutch wrong
- Optional creep mode so you don’t roll backwards on hills like a noob
- You can turn the whole thing off and be normal, but why would you
Reference: USPTO Patent Application 20230256832
Reference: Ford Authority breakdown that made me snort coffee
Will Ford’s Fake Manual Transmission Actually Happen?
Honestly? Probably not in anything I can afford. But the fact they’re even thinking about it makes me weirdly proud to be American. Somewhere in Dearborn there’s an engineer who also misses the smell of clutch dust and they’re fighting for us. I respect the hustle.
Anyway, I gotta go stare at the ceiling and question every life choice that led me to caring this much about a transmission that doesn’t technically transmit anything. If Ford builds this, I’m trading in the minivan day one. My wife will leave me and I’ll deserve it.
What about you? Would you daily a fake-manual EV or am I just terminally smooth-brained? Drop a comment and tell me I’m dumb, I can take it.
(Also someone please make this real before I die thanks)
